One more wallop for that dead horse
Not to keep hammering away at the same topic, but this weekend M. Defarge's parents and his future sister-in-law were in town (we were shopping for a mother-of-the-bride dress) and she and I somehow got into a discussion about the division of labor thing. (I also somehow got into a similar discussion when I went out for a drink with a coworker on Friday, which leads me to think I may be obsessing just a wee bit.) Anyway, her take on the topic was that splitting everything down the middle isn't a realistic or even necessarily a desirable goal--she said she thinks the focus should be on "minimizing resentment" in the relationship. I'm not 100 percent sure I agree with her, but the phrase has stuck in my head.
Of course, she also said that her parents' example has led her to conclude that men "just don't have the stamina" to work a full day and then come home and deal with housework and children. To which I say, fuck that. I don't currently have the stamina to run a marathon (or even a 5K), but that doesn't automatically disqualify me for the training program.
Of course, she also said that her parents' example has led her to conclude that men "just don't have the stamina" to work a full day and then come home and deal with housework and children. To which I say, fuck that. I don't currently have the stamina to run a marathon (or even a 5K), but that doesn't automatically disqualify me for the training program.
posted by Madame Defarge at 4:53 PM
2 Comments:
I too have still been mulling over the topic since your last post.
Yesterday I went to visit a friend of mine who'd had a baby recently. She's the one whom I considered to be approaching motherhood more realistically - with bouts of panic, stress, horror and disgust - as it should be. I asked her if she thought it was better to go into the situation overanalyzing and stressing, and then finding out it's not as bad as it seems. She told me that it's her nature to stress, that even if she wasn't worried about the pregnancy, she'd find something else to obsess on or worry about. It's just who she is. I realize that I'm the same way.
But it was interesting to see what's going on at her house. I arrived apparently a half hour after the kid almost literally exploded. Poop everywhere. The mom was freaking out to make sure everything was clean before I arrived, which meant she was a bit stressed when I got there. I then got the recap of how disgusting it all was, followed by the complaints associated with breastfeeding. It was quite amusing if you weren't the one involved. I voiced my concerns about the whole pregnancy process and complaints about division of labor, and she still seemed quite positive. She definitely didn't delude herself thinking this was the most beautiful thing ever, that it was a "miracle," but she was more practical saying it's survivable. She even said she could see herself doing it again, that's how bearable it was. I think she was trying to make me feel better, assuring me that I, too, could get through it. I probably agree with her. However, seeing the kid all crabby and crying like she was wasn't much of an incentive. She's only 5 weeks old, and doesn't really do much other than eat, sleep and poop. I think they get more interesting once they're more alert. She just kind of slumped over and squeaked every couple of minutes. She was really cute though. Although when M. Manette asked me afterwards if it made me want one of my own, i just grimaced. He had to laugh at my pained expression. I told him it was more that I saw what was going on, and I felt like, "I guess I could do it."
M. Manette and I have been through several timetables of our own. I've managed to push it back each time, though. We keep setting things up around the school year, which kind of sucks. More pressure. I kept waiting to feel ready, and I hated the added deadline of 'you have to feel ready by this date.' I don't want to be 60 when my kid is still young or anything, but I need to feel comfortable with the idea as well. Not confident, but at least comfortable. I'm hoping that going part time next semester will help me achieve that. Sigh.
Your soon to be sister in law sounds like she's been brainwashed. If he can't change a diaper after he comes home, he shouldn't be a father. Step it up for crying out loud. I mean, if we carry the thing for 9 months, shoulder the burden for any possible complications that arise, go through the labor alone, and in some cases become the soul provider of food, then the very least the men can do is HALF the cleaning and changing.
I don't think that's too much to ask.
I don't think kids are particularly interesting until they can talk--yet another reason why I wanted to adopt.
If your friend has a 5-week-old and considers the experience survivable, I think that's a ringing endorsement. From the stuff I've read, things are nuts for the first 3 months and then calm down somewhat. So either she's extraordinarily positive, or the whole thing may be doable after all.
Yesterday I checked out Sean's blog to see what had happened since they brought the kid home. I'd love to hear Melissa's side of the story, but his version also makes it sound somewhat manageable.
Post a Comment
<< Home